COVID-19, My Heart is Not Still

I was trying to find a pretty poetic way to write this post, to talk about my feelings, but I don’t think I can, I don’t think I can write beautifully right now, so I’ll just say how I feel, candidly. I’ve been dismantled, torn apart, broken, hit rock bottom, but nothing as hard as this. This has stopped any and everything I loved doing like partying, hiking, exploring, traveling, walking freely, or whatever else involved me being outside in a manner that isn’t confined. I don’t understand how we got here, why we need to be here, or where we’re going, but all I know is that I’m not the same.

My mindset has changed, I don’t see how it cannot. I don’t see how yours cannot. The world has stopped in a way I’ve never felt before, maybe in a way you’ve haven’t felt before. People are sick, clinging on for life, or dying at a rate that feels as if you’re going over the speed limit on a residential street. Have you ever heard of people dropping at this rate? I haven’t. What about your loved ones, are they okay? Your friends, how are they doing? Check up on all of them, say hello, hold conversations, lift each other, because we all can use it right now. How many things were you looking forward to doing this year? This month? This week? Think about that, because I have already. My pride tour has been suspended until further notice, my concert has been rescheduled with no date in sight, my travel plans might not happen this year, my road trip is on hold, everything has shifted and there’s no concrete date in sight. My tears for this world coming to a standstill are still falling, my tears for the lost are still falling, my tears for the sick are still falling and my tears for the recovering are still falling. Why? Because there’s no end date for this, it's just going, killing, panicking, attacking, and dividing us as humans further and further each day. The things that we once did as a unit we now do as individuals, and hurts me. In this time we need to try and love a little more, hurt a lot less, but sometimes it’s the other way around. When this is over, I hope we all take away something from this, whether its a new hobby, a new career, a new appreciation for life, or whatever you feel like you need to take with you going forward. You won’t know until this is over, but once you’ve figured it out, cherish it. I know I’m already seeing life in a way that it’s more appreciative. I’ve seen people trying to keep it together but can’t, I’ve seen people not keep it together but try, I’ve been more long walks without music and fewer cellphone conversations. My friends, this isn’t over, but it will be. We all need help, so please don’t be afraid to ask for it. Some of us need it more than others, but help is still help and love is still love.

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